Layin' Down the Law
by Nuclear Bacon
Summary: Admiral Hackett ALWAYS needs a drink. Based off of the good sir Sudentor's fic A Crucible In More Ways Than One. Rule board fic, 100 rules for the crew of the Crucible.


Admiral Hackett took a long, deep drink from his mug. After the latest escapades of the Crucible crew, he began to Irish up pretty much everything. He looked up wearily from his coffee mug to find a turian and a Geth platform arguing over which one of them would win in a hand-to-hand fight. The turian quickly admitted he would lose, though he said he'd win any time in a dick-measuring contest. So this is what is has come to, Hackett thought, actual, literal dick measuring contests. I cannot physically get enough alcohol into me. Hackett's yeoman, Lieutenant Jeanne Rutherford, grabbed the admiral's cup of coffee and replaced it with a regular, non-spiked version. She was worried about Hackett's drinking. Hackett looked up from his coffee at the vague brownish stain on the wall and dearly hoped it was spaghetti sauce or coffee or anything not involving krogans accidentally bleeding people dry, literally. His omni tool beeped, yet another incident report coming in. Hackett sighed again and threw his head down against the table. He stayed like that, head down, for a good five minutes before he gained the courage to open the report. According to a Geth platform, who had been floating just outside the station for an unknown reason, a krogan came out of the airlock in a suit covering everything but his... nether bits. He is now unconscious in the med bay, awaiting reattachment. The Admiral looked at his watch. The LCD display blinked 0630 brightly. Hackett felt a lump in his throat, and knew this was going to be a long day.

* * *

A few hours later, he was standing in the mess hall. Hackett shot the last staple into the piece of paper. He took a swig from the flask he keeps on himself at all times, a small celebration for laying down the rules. He leaned against the wall and sank to the floor in exhaustion, flask still in hand. Dozens of people mulled over to the new memo on the wall. After a few moments, someone shouted

"Well, what does it say?" A turian near to it grabbed the memo off the wall.

"Ahem. It says-

_1. Anyone caught spacing their genitals will no longer have any bits lost or damaged replaced._

_2. Geth are not allowed to upload themselves to anything without the express consent of the owner. Especially quarian suits, lord knows we have enough zombies to deal with._

_3. If you happen to invent a new biotic move, don't test it out on the salarians They may be light, but they still feel pain._

_4. No weapons larger than a grenade launcher will be allowed on the ship, last time there was anything bigger SOMEBODY vented half the ship. _One krogan snickered at that.

_5. Pyjaks are not to be used for any purposes other than target practice, food, and mild entertainment. No touching. Except with bullets._

_6. Geth are not allowed to solder an aluminum codpiece onto themselves._

_7. Rubbing fridge magnets on any type of Geth platform is highly discouraged._

_8. Rachni are people too, and just like normal people they also have feelings._

_9. All Geth must stop with the sexual advances; you don't even have the bits necessary for that, unless you went against rule 6._

_10. We understand that this is a melting pot of culture and that romances will flare up, but please, don't clog the hallways. I can't tell you the number of couples porking I had to step over just to get this memo up._

_11. Turians are not allowed to test the sharpness of their claws by poking volus' suits._

_12. Asari will refrain from attempting to seduce individual Geth platforms, we believe they are learning how to romance people by their flirting._

_13. No one older than 12 (relative to life expectancy) is allowed to climb on Geth Colossi._

_14. Salarians are to stop threatening everyone with poison in their drinks. While we appreciate a bar on this tub, we do not need it to do science on people._

_15. Figuring out the effects of psychedelic drugs on other species, even if claimed to be in the name of science, is forbidden._

_16. No one is allowed to turn a Geth Armature into their trusty steed._

_17. We will not put a bayonet on the dark energy manipulator or any mass accelerator weapons._

_18. If you lose at a board game, do not crush the board and all the pieces into a tiny singularity, we have a very limited amount of checkerboards left and a growing amount of tiny black holes._

_19. Asari commandos are forbidden from playing "Volus Toss" with their biotics._

_20. Giving Geth a small static jolt is NOT the same as drinking coffee for organics._

_21. Krogan are not allowed near liquor. No exceptions._

_22. Hacking Geth speakers to play pornographic noises all day is strictly forbidden._

_23. While it is amusing, making Rachni soldiers wear tuxedos is disrespectful._

_24. While we understand that asari have very different views on sex than most other species, propositioning a "100,000-some" is not appropriate in any scenario._

_25. Omni Shields are not meant to be used as serving trays._

_26. It is against the rules for two biotics to charge at each other with the intent of flattening something between them. Especially if that something is alive._

_27. No one aboard this whole damn tub is the Batman, so everyone: just stop saying you are._

_28. Tech-oriented combat specialists are no longer allowed to determine which is mightier: the pen or the omni-blade._

_29. Geth are not allowed to brag about how they can do spacewalks with no extra gear, we believe this is why the recent situation with the krogan happened._

_30. Creating a sculpture of a Reaper does not increase moral, in fact it does the opposite._

_31. No one is allowed to "ingest" if their partner is of a different amino acid type. We are running low on antibiotics as it is._

_32. Geth are not allowed to wander more than 20 meters outside the station without a tether, we are wasting precious fighter fuel picking platforms up half-clicks out._

_33. If a game of any kind causes any type of biotics to flare, that person must stop playing before they paste people. Also related to rule 18._

_34. Rachni soldiers are asked, once again, to stop drinking from the toilets._

_35. Turians are not allowed to drink ryncol, especially if challenged by a krogan. The same goes for all species, but the last time a turian drank it, he found some latent biotic powers then had to be transported off-ship for treatment._

_36. Hanar are to stop pretending they can sting people, and are to stop wrapping themselves around Geth "Like a hug"._

_37. Children of all species are asked to stop climbing on elcor and riding them around, it's making them depressed._

_38. Saran-wrapping hanar is frowned upon._

_39. Getting new armor does not provide "+1 CON"._

_40. Tech specialists are not allowed to program combat drones to play lines from Pulp Fiction. Simulated facial hair is also not allowed._

_41. We do not have the supplies for continued making and use of smoke pellets, so please, stop._

_42. You are not allowed to preface everything you say with "fuck the establishment, y'know?" Especially when talking to employees of any government system. It's rude._

_43. We are working on a project of galactic survival, we are NOT working on a "big-ass cappuccino maker"._

_44. It is unethical to overload the Geth Consensus with "all of the pornography"._

_45. Hanar and rachni soldiers are not allowed to "work it" for Fornax, it is considered a distraction._

_46. While the talent show is a very nice morale boost, krogan are asked to stop killing things for their talent. We know you can drain the blood of any creature, you don't have to demonstrate it anymore._

_47. Salarians are asked to stop yelling "LEVEL UP!" when they discover a new way to do something._

_48. If the weekly bingo game devolves into a massive orgy one more time, we are shutting it down._

_49. Humans are to stop putting bows and fake eyelashes in Geth shock troopers "in accordance with rule 63"._

_50. Testing the effects of hair growth formula on species that can't physically grow hair is probably dangerous, and at the very least not part of our mission statement._

_51. Geth Primes are no longer allowed to glue fake afros to themselves and ask "if he looks like a bitch". It was funny the first few times, but now it's getting in the way of actual work._

_52. No more taking Geth speech and remixing it into songs. It is confusing the Consensus._

_53. Tech specialists are to stop slamming incendiary and cryo blasts together to make a "lukewarm blast"._

_54. Salarians are no longer allowed to use overload on various appliances "for science"._

_55. Turning coffee into a Bose-Einstein condensate is considered cold enough. Warmer than that would be appreciated though._

_56. Similarly, causing coffee to start nuclear fusion is considered hot enough._

_57. We understand that turians have a metallic outer skin, that does not mean magnets will stick to them. Stop trying._

_58. Geth ghosts are no longer allowed to play pranks on people by hiding invisible in places. You are giving people heart problems._

_59. Drell are not your personal dog whistles. Being constantly called upon for their ability to produce sounds outside the audible range of humans is considered offensive._

_60. Running a Geiger Counter over dinner is considered offensive to the chefs. Though you may end up needing to, meals may or may not actually contain radium._

_61. Humans are asked to stop wasting scientific supplies trying to make the perfect pomade._

_62. Whoever introduced the Geth Consensus to 4chan will be shot once they are found._

_63. Eezo is an important mineral and is not to be used for sophomoric pranks._

_64. Batarians are no longer allowed to boast about how since they have four eyes, they CAN see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch._

_65. Dark matter milkshakes are no longer allowed._

_66. There are other ways to open pickle jars than the slam biotic power._

_67. Welding small tesla coils to two Geth platforms for the purpose of making them "soulmates" is offensive and no longer allowed._

_68. Using eezo for alchemy is considered a waste of precious resources._

_69. Heh heh. Oh god, you guys are starting to influence me._

_70. No more testing the effects of FTL travel on organic beings. We're sick of cleaning up the paste._

_71. Halloween parties will be canceled if everyone dresses up like husks of their species again. It frightened the staff not involved in the party._

_72. Using stasis is not an appropriate way for someone to stop a move in a board game._

_73. Making Ice X popsicles using mass effect fields is no longer allowed. We're sick of having to melt them using nuclear fusion._

_74. "Make love not war" is not an effective recruitment slogan._

_75. If you manage to lick a Bose-Einstein condensate we are not going to reattach your tongue. If you could somehow manage to do that you had to know the risks._

_76. Reapers are large enough that "Destroy them with lazers" is no longer an effective combat strategy._

_77. We are not allowed to waste materials to make "absolutely massive" truck nuts for our dreadnoughts._

_78. We will not send a mass relay through a mass relay, especially if the relay being sent is the one that the relay it's being sent through's destination. This causes paradoxes and will unravel the universe. Also it's a waste of resources._

_79. Car polish is not appreciated for Geth platforms._

_80. The Consensus has stated that they will NOT create a Geth platform entirely made of gold. Or radium. Or fluorine._

_81. Asari and varren are no longer allowed to reproduce together. It's causing a rift._

_82. Quarians are not allowed to guilt-trip Geth programs into uploading themselves into their suits and increasing the "kick" of their neurostim program. It is unethical and we believe if it happens enough the Consensus will require therapy._

_83. No one is allowed to resurrect 15th century human diseases._

_84. Or diseases from any century. Humans need to be not diseased to work on the Crucible._

_85. It is incredibly racist to show pictures of various dinosaurs to turians and say "Hey, look, it's your ancestor!"_

_86. Chain guns are NOT an item covered under work expenses._

_87. Whoever introduced how to play heavy metal on instruments to the krogan should be given a medal. It's a much better use of blood rage to kick out some wicked solos instead of draining people of their fluids._

_88. No one is allowed to post "OMG t0tez w0rkin on g414c7ic 5urviv41!" anywhere on the extranet. It is disrespectful of everyone working here, and "leetspeak" is immoral._

_89. Mass accelerator cannons are NOT the appropriate tool to crack walnuts._

_90. The rules on this memo have already been put into action, burning it in acid will do nothing to change that._

_91. You are not allowed to attach the title "OF DOOM" to every part you put on the Crucible._

_92. "Jive" is not programmed in standard Alliance translators, stop trying to teach it to Geth. No one can understand them anymore. Loosely related to rule 51._

_93. Crossing varren and Earth goats is considered a waste of resources._

_94. "For Shanxi!" is NOT an acceptable justification for slapping any turians in the mandibles. Especially if you're not human._

_95. We do not have the fuel necessary to fly to the Andromeda galaxy, and even if we did, we would interrupt their (presumed) social order. And that's rude._

_96. VarJaks do not solve the problems of pyjaks or varren, and in fact simply exacerbate them while removing the positives, namely the nutrient dense flesh and ease to kill. Are they even compatible? How did this happen?_

_97. While we have the science equipment to create new elements on board the ship, and in times of duress science executives are the first and last in naming new elements. However, the military forbids naming element 124 "Explodium" out of principle._

_98. Using lasers to make popcorn, while cool, is inefficient and dangerous._

_99. Geth platforms are not allowed to have golden grills. You don't even have teeth._

_100. Admiral Hackett always needs a drink."_  
**  
**The turian doubled over, gasping for air. Folk tales will come of this years later, The Turian That Didn't Need To Breath A Good Portion Of The Time. There was murmur of discontent among the general public as the new rules were established.  
"What are we supposed to do for fun?" One krogan shouted. The crowd shouted in agreement. A human yelled over the din  
"Let's start some fires!" The group cheered and set off around the ship, matches in hand. Admiral Hackett reached for his secret flask, this one full of rubbing alcohol. He curled up into a ball in the now-empty mess hall, and with the smell of smoke wafting into the room, he rolled into a corner and wept.


End file.
